This is the hardest blogs I've written so bare with me
I remember at the age of five sitting at the table over Christmas wishing for blonde hair and blue eyes.I lived in Europe and I hated being the only girl in my class with olive skin and long black hair. So, I was pretty upset when my my mum said that it wasn't possible.
The need to fit in even at that young age was overwhelming and still remains a huge struggle for me today.I remember first starting dieting when I was 10 years old hoping to become an overnight miracle and turn into one of the "popular" girls at school. I wanted kids to stop teasing me. To stop seeing me as the short and chubby girl. I would lie to my mother and pretend I ate my lunch at school. I doubt the bins at my school had seen so many curry lunches. When I went to college my whole dieting went out of the door and I put on 20 Lbs. I never felt so disgusted with myself. .I became a woman on a mission. I began dieting, exercising my ass off and sneaking diet pills . Though never becoming anorexic or bulimic I began entering a black hole that I was struggling to get out of. When friends or family members commented on my weight (putting on) I felt daggers penetrating my heart and felt my self esteem just plummet. Counting calories and calories spent became a never ending and tiring cycle. At times I began hiding behind bathroom doors doing lunges and jumping jacks(albeit my attempts were quite poor) hoping to get rid of the extra biscuit I ate during tea time. At night at times I would silently wait for time to stop.
Twenty years later, I'm not going to say the road to self love and healing has been easy. Each day is a struggle and push. But the point is I'm trying.
As a society we're often quick to blame others for our misfortunes whether it's the media or peers, it's as if we're afraid to become accountable for our actions as if our vulnerabilities would make us less human or less acceptable. When will we learn to embrace our flaws - everything that makes us unique, special and "weird"? Because frankly it's about damn time we did.
